A few years ago, I completed a process of discernment for ordination as a priest in the Episcopal Church. Since I was in my early thirties, the priestly vocation has presented itself on my dance card, and I have flirted off and on with the “what if’s” of being a priest in the institutional church perhaps too much of my life. For the most part, it seemed I was always stumbling into situations that affirmed the call to a priestly vocation.
I was invited to go forward in the process, and I began a course in Clinical Pastoral Education (CPE). While that experience is something I would like to return to after I retire from the classroom, ultimately, I said no to becoming a priest. I simply cannot know what the outcome would have been to my life had I persisted in vocational change, but somewhere in the midst of hospital visits and leading small groups at my parish, I realized that I had both my paycheck and my passion in the students with whom I shared a classroom each and every day. Would I have been an effective priest? Probably. Am I an effective teacher? Absolutely! And, yet, it has taken me a great many years to love who I am as an educator.
Deepak Chopra has this to say about the unknown:
Over the years, you have formed likes and dislikes and learned to accept certain limits. None of this is the real you. You can’t force your authentic self to emerge all at once, however. Because it is painful to strip away the thick layers of illusion, you have to allow your soul to reveal itself in its own time.
Be assured that the unknown is awaiting you – an unknown that has nothing to do with the “I” you already know. The part of you that you know is the part that flickers out all too fast. When you feel a new impulse, an uplifting thought, an insight that you have never acted upon before, embrace the unknown. Cherish it as tenderly as a newborn baby. God lives in the unknown, and when you can embrace it fully, you will be free.
What Chopra’s words mean to me is that the ego, the “I you already know” gets in the way of our soul journey far too often. It becomes the proverbial obstacle course that slows us down and causes us to stumble. Carl Jung would say it this way, “Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside awakes.” The psalmist offers additional hope in Psalm 27:34 when he says,
The valiant one whose steps are guided by the LORD,
who will delight in his way,
May stumble, but he will never fall,
for the LORD holds his hand.
When I thought I wanted to be a priest, I looked outside far too often, and even when I saw the reality of being a priest had a lot of negatives to it, I hung on to the illusion by making excuses or telling myself I could just take a small parish and be happy making a small salary. The reality is that as an older woman in the priesthood, I might not ever be called to have my own parish, but would probably work as someone’s assistant until I retired.
The truth of the matter is that I am a priest. Okay, I am not ordained in an institutional church, but I can do almost everything a priest does, and as an anamcara, or soul friend, I do a great many of those activities in the world. As a Eucharistic minister, I distribute communion to the faithful. I listen to others’ deep concerns about their journeys. I counsel my students and others about their lives. I visit the sick, pray for many, and I share my studies with others. This kind of life is the way I understand the priesthood of all believers. No, I do not wear a collar, but I am also not shackled to institutional expectations. I am free to be my authentic self, a self that does not include a profession in a hierarchical setting. Please don’t misunderstand me. I’m not saying that all people called to professional ministry are shackled or lack authenticity. I am also fully aware that working in public education can have many frustrations with hierarchy. But one cannot happily force an outcome that is contrary to the driving force inside, deeper than the ego, that resides in Spirit.
What difference do any of these ideas make? I know for myself that I still have a lot of letting go to do. There are those rare days when I still think about a seminary education, especially now that my daughter is in discernment for the same role in life. I think that I can certainly echo the sentiments of Wayne Dyer who says, “Remember this rule: Stop taking yourself so seriously! Get your ego out of the way and connect back to kindness—that from which you came. The truth is that we are all spiritual beings. And when you see yourself as a piece of God, then you see yourself as connected to everything and everyone.” We all do a lot of stumbling, but by the grace of God, we will not fall.
For more of the ideas of Chopra, Jung, and Dyer see these websites:
http://www.drwaynedyer.com/articles/seven-secrets-of-a-joyful-life
http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/c/carl_jung.html
http://archive.chopra.com/namaste/march08/deepak
